god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
