What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
