his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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