She kept screaming "best case scenario"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
