She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I think I won the penis lottery.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
