a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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