what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
