theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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