i just wanna soil my oats bro
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Randomize
