There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
