I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
