i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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