Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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