my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
