Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
