Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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