fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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