yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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