and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
FUCK WHALES
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
