i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
