If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
