My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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