I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
