how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
