I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize