There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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