WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
