I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
