i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
