70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
