Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
