I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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