im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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