I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
