No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
