Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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