Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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