I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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