I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
