I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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