You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Randomize
