so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
