im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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