Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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