1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
