He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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