She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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