so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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