Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
