There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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