dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Randomize
