Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
