i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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