Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
