just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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